ISSUE 08-17

Dr. Seuss, Beloved Xenophobe
UM, WHEN WAS IT POLITICALLY CORRECT, EXACTLY?




Look out, sleeping drunk at the wheel!
THIS PICTURE BEGS TO BE A CAUTIONARY TALE...



I don't want to presume, but I'm guessing this driver will face charges? Perhaps a license suspension at the very least? That still beats having to get a hood ornament surgically removed from your colon...


Exclusive!!!
Joey Reviews Sex and The City

It’s time to get back in touch. The movie is finally here and we need to know - Mr. Big, Steve, Harry, and Smith – how are they doing these days?

I’m not sure why women would see this movie, yet so many of them are. I can’t imagine what led them to the SaTC theatre, when Harold & Kumar Go To Guantanamo Bay is still doing first-run business. I might “get” The Rock, but I don’t “get” the ladies.

For me, the SaTC movie is pure suspense - how many of the guys will come to their senses and punt those shrill harpies to the curb?

Things don’t look good at the start. Curiously, the movie focuses most of its time on the women, especially Sarah Jessica Parker’s character, Carrie Bradshaw. This even though all of the guys are in crisis, having entered varying stages of commitment to these ladies, from dating to engagement to marriage.

The movie centers on Carrie and Big and their impending nuptials, except Big is hardly ever in the film. Mind you, that’s the movie's only nod to realism, because I think any man facing the horror of a life spent with Carrie would usually be off doing something else. Like digging an escape tunnel with his bare hands.

You guessed it - I’m not a fan of SJP. Now, I could take the easy way out and pick on her looks…

I heard that during the fire at Universal Studios, everyone escaped, including SJP, who was blindfolded and led out of the studio by her trainer. Ouch!


Sarah Jessica Parker (middle) happily grazes last week, while counting her blessings with Cameron Diaz (left), and Julia Roberts (right).

I’ve also heard a theory that SJP bankrolls and promotes the entire acting career of Debra Messing, thus guaranteeing that SJP remains merely the second-least sexy woman in television and film. Gah!

It’s been said that every time SJP enters a movie or television scene that somewhere, a bridge is missing its troll. Oww!

But I don’t pander to those cruel jabs, even if I invented the last one and am quite proud of it. See, I don’t like her because she’s a one-note actress. She’s the same in everything. She’s SJP - whiny, screechy and self-absorbed.

Couldn’t Matthew Broderick have found a more endurable beard?

If I could sum up this movie in one sentence, I’d have to say it’s a snuff film targeting male happiness. Jeepers, it makes Funny Games seem like The Sound Of Music.

Sadly, just one of the guys is able to make a break for it. Our young lad Smith is cut loose by Samantha, that aged Vortex Of Need. It sucks to get dumped, but at least he got out while he was young and optimistic, and can thus embark on his true calling - a meaningless whirlwind of ingénue-humping, which guys with his looks can keep doing well into their seventies.

The rest of these guys, for as little as we ever see them in the film, prove not so lucky. By the end of the movie they’re all consigned to a lifetime of tedious servitude, continuously inflating and patching their wives’ fragile egos, the better to avoid a lifetime bearing witness to endless whining, purging, and Paxil addiction.

In the final scene, they all sit around a diner table, scarfing down breakfast (except for the women of course) seemingly having the time of their lives. But I’m positive each one of the guys had been heavily medicated, with electrodes strapped to their respective nether regions, powered by remote controls in each of their wives’ purses.

Sitting in the theatre with my wife and a hundred other women, me and the other guy wept quietly for these once-brave men. I told my wife it was just a little dusty in the theatre.


Can we just cut to the chase, and inaugurate him now?
IT'S CHANGE? IT'S HOPE? IT'S... OBAMAMAN!!!




I like to link it, link it
THE FRIDAY TIME WASTERS

Take me out to the ballgame, take me out and I'll puke on myself then pass out on the sidewalk...

...give me some ten-cent beer and let me get snapped, I'll tear down the ballpark and never come back...



Thanks Readers!



Your captions for what has to be the most out of context picture to date were a dazzling mix of wit and outright befuddlement. Take my word for it, Michael Gross is a major celeb in the hobby train sub-culture. Check him out this weekend at the Southeast Pennsylvania Train Hobbyists Convention, where he will be delivering the opening keynote "Will My Train Fit In Your Tunnel?: A Longitudinal Study Of Landscape Scaling In the Early 20th Century".

In case you want to hop in the car, it's at the Shanksville Days Inn, Ballroom C.


And finally!
THIS PICTURE BEGS FOR A CAPTION…